It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house. For the next 3 years I watched my mother break her teeth on vodka bottles. I think she stopped breathing when he left. I think part of her died. I think he took her heart with him when he walked out. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink. It’s the night that I spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if my sister was going to be okay, after the boy she loved, told her he didn’t love her anymore. It’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the time that I had to stay up for two days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend fucked his ex. I swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks. I think when you love someone, it never really goes away.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the six weeks we had a substitute in English because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. When she came back was smiling. But her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. And sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. Nothing ever goes back to how it was. I got an A in English that year. I think her head was always spinning too hard to read any essays.
It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I do.
It’s not that I don’t love you. (via extrasad)
Zombie Baby - a sketch by J.M.Tellam
update on my art
I am aware that I am the person to ignore on Tumblr and it is seriously uncool to acknowledge me in any way, but I don’t care, it’s my blog and I’ll post in it if I want to - if only for freedom of speech purposes.
Having got my RSI under control finally, after 9 years of suffering with it I have started to do art again (before it was mostly either digital art or scanned in old paintings/ drawings from college and Uni). It is a slow business and I have literally had to start again - hence all the whimsical cartoon animals stuff on products I’ve been blogging - I have been so pleased I can actually draw again after so long without my hand cramping for days on end! The whimsical stuff helps with relearning my hand muscles. Been useful for Babygoop products, though. Which we expanded to include a Babygoop store at Cafepress.
It was all the abstract art using an ergonomic upright mouse helped my RSI as well as a high dose of Tramadol.
I am waaay behind with everything Mindgoop due to a long illness and personal trauma but hope to get back up to speed soon, if life events allow me to. Thanks to all your support over the last couple of years :)
Oh and I started to sell abstract art over at Amazon.com via Imagekind but currently haven’t been paid despite the buyer having done a review of my painting that he received in February! Do you display art on Imagekind? If so, have they paid you for paintings sold? I am very suspicious of these print on demand companies since a print on demand company a couple of years back took money for skateboards I designed and didn’t deliver to the customer (or refund his money) or pay me either! Have you had problems with getting paid by print on demand companies?